Breakfast Foods: More Dangerous Than Anyone Ever Thought


By Jonah Wolmark

This is not a banana.

Some people say that all bagels are safe. Well, they are sadly mistaken! Bagel actually stands for Benign Armadillos Group Everywhere in London, which has no relevance to anything at all. Wait, what was that? I think I heard a fnord! This is bad, really bad. Maybe if I kill two stones with one bird… [incoherent mumbling] No, not incoherent, just too purple. WAY TOO PURPLE! AAAAAUGH GET IT OFF! I’m better. Where was I, now? Ah, yes, that’s right. I was eating all of these sandwiches. Want some? Here, just download them. Just make sure to not get crumbs into your disk drive. Hey, why did the chicken cross the road? Yep! No, that’s not how that went… Ah, music to my elbow! Can you hear it? Me neither. Asdhfhkjlasdfjklsarfgihlsdjkfsfhjf. You wipe that smile off your shirt! It’ll stain. Hub cap hub cap hub cap. I hope there’s lots of spaghetti! No, not spaghetti. More like spaghetti. You must open your heart and mind to accept the squirrel. Or reject it. Or eat it. Mmmmm, fried doorknob. Especially with a side of spice, and rice, and mice, and lice, and nice, and slice, and vice, and pistachios. Pistachios? I was a pistachio once. I died there. That was a fun day. Now, collect up your banana peels, ‘cause we’re going on an adventure! To the mystical lands of over there! In that corner. Not sure why. I like that corner. It’s got weird cylindrical things. And then the horse exploded. But wait, there’s more!